Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in kneedeepinpain's LiveJournal:

Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
11:22 pm	No mediocre poetry this time--just a short rant or two. So yes, I came to Pepperdine, my liberal Christian school. It's a great school but I can't help but to second guess my decision. I want to be out, I want to stop living my high school life of lying about who I am dating. But now the stakes are higher. I want to be part of greek life, I want to start on my networking, I want to start this life...and I really haven't the time for anti-gay discrimation. Second rant--They say, "don't judge a book by it's cover"...but often first impressions are right. Yes, it's true that many of my friends don't "look" like they would be close to me, but I can tell from looking at someone if we could truly connect. And I'm finding a scarce few. It's just another challenge in my hectic life--along with the major culture shock. But again, I feel so out of place--I can leave my comfort zone and move to Australia, but I'm trouble here in California? I don't want to be a transfer student...but what if moving to Manhattan really was the right choice for me? Should I really leave Malibu? Yes, it is the first week of college, so of course I'm going to keep with this...but I can't help but wonder... (Comment on this)
10:54 pm	A Flare For The Dramatic Exit DISCLAIMER: first entry in almost two years--i'll try to be more consistant--right now i'm just heaps excited I still knew my password and screen name. Two years--two years--A time when I was so weak I'd put almost any vice in my body...A time when my world circled around one man who took advantage my niave enthusiasm. Only in hindsight do I realise how harmful that situation was. Only when I've recovered do I realise WHAT I recovered from. Oh well. ps my spelling sucked (ie still does)--but thats public american education for you. So here's one to start off my new commitment to writing 9:21...AGAIN I forgot I'm still wearing your ring Is it because I've forgotten you Or because you're now a permanent part of me Like my blue eyes or STARS on my shoulder I've let you GO And tied you to a lyric strung on melody I dream of people I've yet to meet and pass by the present as if valueless I haven't learned this lesson yet Even though I've lived the MISTAKE since birth I'm neither here nor there The current stage is only temporary But the present will always be attainable I can never skip chapters or relive the old All I have is now; And NOW has got to be good enough for me Well I'm done waiting for the next chapter I'm done waiting for these people I've got to find them on my own And that thought SCARES me to death (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
11:22 am	I need to feel a sense of dignity But i hide behind these books i read Scribbling my poetry as if art could save a wretch like me I just trying to fight free But its useless Ill always be stuck in this mess No matter what i do or how hard i try Ill be trapped inside my mind and only confide in myself the self that watches me and sees the dirty air i breathe the viciouse cycle has no end and my addicting habbits will not bend so pretend to find a rythem some sense of reason or pattern to change my future I cannot change who i am because its an affect of my past but only i am responsible for my future This is crap, but im tired and have a huge migrane (Comment on this)
Friday, December 17th, 2004
12:03 am	lets take the chance roll the dice run away leave tonight we've got to make a choice we've got to stop lingering hesitation is really just death with a mask to cover the scars no decision really is one, leaving it up to fate fate is the devil with a mask to cover up the scars dont trust destiny are you happy now did you get what you want you can deal, thats great nice choice of apathy good luck with that innocent life ill leave you stay ill take the chance roll the dice run away leave tonight (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
11:58 pm	I'll keep coming back for more But when I turn around you're not there We'll pretend nothing happened How happy are you with her So happy you're on my doorstep again And I wont say no I'm glad you're having fun on your tour How were those beautiful models in California What do you want with me Ok lets go Are you brave enough to leave with me tonight No, I'm on my own Again, destined this way There for convience Nothing else And I wont say no I'm dying for attention So kiss me Forget about your wife I'm a little bit empty I dont mind I wont say no (Comment on this)
11:55 pm	Can I wait Maybe not Now just sin Consequences later 'Cause this feels so good Sinking into you Further, faster Always closer still Stop, gasp for air Whisper sensible thoughts Relax in your understanding passion At least I'm pure What standards Do you even remember my name Sing to me Lets make this last Lets pretend it means so much more Temporary attraction Quick love See you in March (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
9:56 pm	Ive been away for too long What used to be my name is now estrange I'm a foreigner to my own self My heart is where i left it Seperated by this puddle called the Atlantic Ive been away for too long Ive become a different piece that doesnt quite fit But i dont fit anywhere, I belong no where I'm just a traveling fool A nomad with no self idenity Ive been away for too long It looks like gold from the outside And it feels like that too sometimes But my need for nationality burns in my stomache Why do i need to feel so defined Ive been away for too long Blood cant make me who I am not And social binds arent strong enough (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:36 pm	Breath Take a repose from this mess Clear your mind of the insanity There is still some good in this world There has to be Its worth fighting for There has to be (Comment on this)
9:28 pm	Sinking below the current, I should be trying to gasp for air But the tide is pulling me under, and I dont mind My greatest weakness is apathy, im too tired to care The place is so comfortable for me now Even though I know its not safe Its easier to die than to try to live So ill stay here passed out after night after night of drinking and taking miscellanious substances Soon ill feel the pain burning in my soul That is to say if i havent numbed it yet with all my pills Can i find a reason to stop this habit Some desire to get back on the road of reality I guess I've stopped to smell the roses for too long now I need to find that ray of light, that source of hope Its here somewhere, i just need to be willing to find it (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
5:56 pm	This blank page, vast nothingness these uncoherent thoughts i feel guilty for not saying anything evil eyes are on me, shouting for at least an apology i want to express the purpose behind my actions, but i am too confused i think maybe if i compose a poem, all will be well as if art could save a wretch like me i am a terrible person i've killed those who i love the most i've slaughtered their hearts and spirits i've treated them like faceless conquests this game has got to stop who won? I wasnt the one with the broken heart i wasnt the one who cried so i didnt lose, but i suffer in a different way My insides are made of ash my core is stone and there is hole in my chest where my heart should be i guess i am that cold hard bitch like they say I am truly sorry for those i've hurt. But am i really? I think the only guilt i feel is that of not feeling guilty i know one day karma will catch up with me i know my heart will be broken too but i guess until that day i will continue to be heartless and insensitive and once again the words of Oberst are true i just want a love i dont have to love (Comment on this)
5:46 pm	you make my heart beat faster it skips everytime i see your face your presence brightens the darkness i cherish your affection you feel my thoughts constantly you make me go crazy you've captivated me in a way no one else has in my mind, i've kissed ten thousands times and you've kissed me back with those amazingly soft lips as you ran your fingers through my hair but then i wake up and realize you could never really love me maybe you dont think i'm ready what will it take? what do i need to prove to you? (Comment on this)
5:42 pm	I am exhausted we've prolonged this to the point where i just dont care anymore i've used all my energy to get nothing in return and there is nothing left but apathy so i'm going to stop this before it ever really begins only half of my heart was in this anyway patching up out fights and not saying what i feel is not worth saving you some pain now i've raised myself up, out of your reach all i need now is to walk away, and you will be gone forever before i couldn't imagine living without you But now i dont even know if i want you as a memory How was life before you? Simpler? Easier? Happier? I guess i'll find out soon, I'm taking my heart back (Comment on this)
5:35 pm	So i'm staring at these freshly painted crimson walls my memories of you are fading away into vague visions i can hardly see your face anymore i'm moving my furniture in piece by piece, and i'm realizing how my life worked without you a smile is brought to my face, i hope it never goes away there is a tranquilizing silence instead of the screaming that once echoed through this house in the quiet i find peace and my ambitions run wild i start to see what i can really achieve, and how it isnt just a dream or another feeling in the pit of my stomach i thought you knew me so well i was so wrong, and i just found out who i am there are so many layers to me how can you see one and say its immaturity? i've learned that moods dont count for one's growth I am a stranger to you And yet i thought i saw you so clearly too Maybe i'm starting to see the silver lining on our cloud maybe in time i'll only remember the good and not the thunderstorms But as of now i'm putting pictures back on my walls and books in my shelves I will never forget you, but i'm not going to think about you anymore, this is the last song i write about you I wont dwell on the pain, confusion, and fustration any longer I'm hanging my freshly pressed dresses in my wardrobe, and i can finally BREATH (Comment on this)
1:10 pm	Sometimes at night it seems worse than it is my heart grows heavy missing and loving you is so painful tears wouldnt do my heart justice but ill still fall asleep crying because i dont feel your consoling arms around me i cant feel your heart beating but, i can still hear your voice in my head telling me just what i need to hear you read me so perfectly i want to pull you out of my dreams so i can remember to smile i am so alone without you in a crowded room filled with friends i feel so isolated in a corner it seems i go there a lot now that you've gone before you would come to my rescue, you loved to play the hero but that was before beling withdrawn from the world is becoming more and more comfortable secluded from society detached from everything i think ill stay here a bit longer (Comment on this)
12:52 pm	Its true, you're not blind, yet you cannot see, The effect your fear has on me, The pain, confusion, hurt and loss, Spreads the world, and whats the cost? But innocent lives, who wanted to love, How can love itself be condemned so much, To just hold another in your arms, To kiss them, touch them, yet to cause alarm, Im lost in my naivety, yet found in my understanding, The bond between two still standing, Whether it be two men, two women its still right, So break the hate, release your fright, Let this be a place where you can be, Without being forced into chastity, Allow the heart to choose and take, The decision is surely yours to make... Thanks to Matt, (CoolMatt24) whom I stole this from (Comment on this)